Time cloth

Fabrics of time weave through my emotions

Like a sheet blowing in the wind

on a hot summer day

I see her at four

dressed up in high heels

playing with her dolls

Life is new through her little eyes

I see her throwing herself on the bed

Crying from a broken heart

Betrayal of girlfriends

I see her laughing at some silly

moment we are sharing

I see her eyes closed in a casket

Sewn together by a mortician

I shake my head

To bring back the life I was supposed to have

been given

But it won’t shake

It becomes a heavy blanket

that refuses to keep me warm

So I wade through time like a

Waif in a snowstorm

clinging to the hope that one day

I will make it inside

Where I can thaw from the bitter

Cold of reality

Love

Mom

Feb 10, 2004

NO WORDS

There isn’t much to say

When saying it all won’t bring her back

We went to the grave

On Sunday and decorated

What a chilling moment for the

Easter bunny… to have silence

And the wind look for his eggs

It hailed just now and all I could

Think of was her picture is going

To get smeared as it dangles off

Of the pinwheel stuck in the

Fresh dirt

At city park cemetery

Someone wants me to write a book

To tell a story of a girl who was slain

Of a beautiful smile

We will never see again

I can barely breathe most days

It takes all I have to wake up

And be human.

Maybe if my appetite returns

There will be enough words

Dislodged from this ache

To paint a portrait that only lives

In my heart

Sometimes I don’t want to share her

With anyone…she was mine

She lived in my womb and I nurtured

Her in my embrace

I want to be selfish and keep it all

Pure in a jewelery box

In my room

Where only I have the key

Love

Mom

For lacy

The Lake

Standing beside this frozen lake in Keystone

I know it is water

but it is in a new form

The ice keeps me from jumping in

And the life beneath from exposure

You are with me

We are the lake

I can’t go in and hold you

Any more than you can come

Back to reach me

But we hold on

we stand next to each other

In the winter

Frozen in time

Until our spirits can

Be free from this physical world

yet

I feel you

Every single day

I close my eyes

Breathe from my soul

And capture the joy of you

In my heart

exhaling your beauty

into my choices

I know you are ok

I know you are loved

Yet there is work to do

People who have to heal

Before we can jump

in the water again

and have tea parties

like we used to

when the world wasn’t in

so much pain

I love you more

Than ever

Love

Mom

©November 12,2006

(2006 Family Christmas letter)

The number Four means Life

16,000 people have looked at her web site

1,5000 dollars have generously been given

2 laws have been changed

1 appreciation award was given at her high school

1 domestic violence out reach center was donated

one thousand four hundred and sixty days have

gone by without her smile or her laugh

Four winters, four summers, four falls and springs

All of the birthdays, holidays, April fools jokes

Have come and gone

Countless sleepless nights

An ocean full of tears

Her friends have graduated from college

Gotten married, moved, come back

Moved again, gotten my space accounts

Seen girl movies without her

Become deeply spiritual

Questioned life and God

Her brothers have stopped certain sports,

Started others, gotten facial hair, girlfriends and gotten taller than

their sister, driven cars, cried themselves to sleep at night

They have been brave without her protective wisdom

Tried to make up for her not being here by being good

And kind souls to a hurting mom and dad

They have stopped believing in God, been angry with God

And found him again in their own way

We are all 100 years older in four years

We are stronger and weaker and full of thoughts

that haunt us and prayers that sustain us

We are the surviving loved ones of Lacy Jo Miller

We are proud to know her

Blessed to miss her

Sad to realize how she left

Grateful to know where she is

And we are living and healing

And honoring her love for us

The best way we know how.

Love

Wendy

©Dec. 2006

The Heart does go on

I have jumped off the Ship

with both feet..

As I glance downward …

I am spiraling past facts like…

“I quit my job/ started a non-profit with no experience

what- so- ever/ am hosting a safety conference most women don’t think they need to attend/ opened a school for drop outs (to teach in Lacy’s place)have taken on a financial mountain without out proper shoes and am speaking to offenders with the big brother of the boy who killed my daughter .....

so I have been told : I can’t, it will fail, you are betraying her, there isn’t enough money to go around, I am not qualified, we reject the grant application because it wasn’t filled out correctly, you need a lawyer, insurance, an accountant , a secretary, more services, you haven’t grieved enough” ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I am falling fast and I am trying to figure out how to survive the impact.

But wait,

I have already survived the most difficult thing

Life could throw in my path

AND

I am naively overlooking all of the above

I am Whole heartedly believing

that my love for my little girl

will grow the wisdom I need

to accomplish her life’s work

no matter how ill prepared I am

or how inadequate I may seem

It is starting to resemble "parenting"

I had no idea what I was doing

When Lacy came into this world and

She turned out perfectly

in spite of my inexperience

So it looks as if I am still her mom

What a relief..

Splash!

Love,

Mom

Dec. 2, 2007